The Needle's Eye

Declan Copperfield arrived before ivory gates inlaid with mother-of-pearl at quarter to three on a Thursday afternoon. Exactly the time he was due to appear before Congress for the second time in a year.

"How convenient," he mused. "Must've been the red meat that finally did me in."

His second ex-wife, Tamara, always flapped her shrew lips about the evils of a rare filet mignon. No doubt she would remind him through the coffin lid.

Declan breathed a gentle sigh, a harp's soothing soprano and a pleasant floral breeze easing his nerves. Straightening his tie, he strolled toward the opaline entry only to find a sprawling queue that spilled out of sight into marbled clouds. It would take half of eternity just to get through Heaven's gates!

A graceful being draped a flowing white robe flexed feathered wings, catching sight of the new arrival's perplexed grimace.

"Just follow the line," they said. "You'll make your way into the Heavenly Kingdom in due time."

"Isn't there another entrance? You know, for important people. Maybe you don't recognize me post mortem, or perhaps you don't keep an eye on Forbes in these parts?"

"Oh, we're up to date," the angel replied, serene and unruffled. "A.I.T. just completed a thirty billion dollar funding round after an unprecedented six-hundred billion dollar valuation."

Declan thumbed his collar, a trifle too tight for his nervous swallow. "And you've heard of our charity work with underprivileged youth?"

"Not to worry, Mr. Copperfield. We are expecting you. Come with me."

Tingling with relief, Declan followed the accommodating seraph to a drab cinderblock building tucked away in the brume. Inside, burnt coffee fumes rankled. In place of heavenly harp strings, the pointed clack of keys. The angel, face bleached beneath chafing fluorescents, ushered Declan into a gray receptacle outfitted with a desk and stern metal chairs.

Declan sat with an uneasy grunt, tapping moist palms against his knees. "Should I be asking for an attorney?" he inquired as the angel shuffled a stack of papers on the desk.

"There are no attorneys here." The angel sat up straight, peering at Declan with fingers interlaced. "There are two immutable laws of the universe, Mr. Copperfield. You've already encountered the first today at two forty-seven PM on the steps of the U.S. Capitol Building."

"So, what's the second?" Declan frowned.

The angel removed their lustrous halo and rested a pale accountant's visor on their brow.

"Time to settle up, Mr. Copperfield."